Physical Strength Does Not Equal Mental Strength, duh...

ABOVE: MY HAIR

ABOVE: I'M A PUSSY CAT DOLL... I HAD TO ROCK THE WIG

I haven't posted anything in a while.  Mostly because for the last 6 weeks I have been in the gym so much I should work there.  I lost about 20 lbs. and thought I was on the right track to re-start my life.  I felt and looked great.  I got a new job at a hot Chicago Boutique and felt great.  Then, he called.  He said he wasn't sure if what he was doing was the right thing, he missed me, he cried and broke down in his car... I believed him because he is still my husband.  I wanted things to work, I told him I'll be here and we can work things out.  

After a full day of work, I called him.  I told him I wanted to talk and asked him to come by.  He said he was on the North side (my side of town) so he would.  When he came, I immediately felt like he was distancing himself.  He said nothing of what we talked about the previous night.  He told me I am controlling, I don't like his friends, and I don't make him happy.  This was basically everything he told me before.  I broke down. I cried so hard, I told him to take me home.  The last thing I said was "Don't call me unless it's about the Divorce or the money he owes me" for wrecking my motorcycle.

I was a mess the next day.  My face was puffy from crying all night.  A month after we separated he could come back in my life and knock me down and take away my progress.  I didn't show up to work.  Much less feed myself or take a shower.  I told the boutique I won't be able to continue there.  I feel defeated.  

All this time at the gym boxing feels like nothing.  I look great but I am a train wreck inside.  I have no idea what to do... I skipped the gym today because I feel no progress.  

Nov.1st he came with his best friend and dad to take all of his stuff.  I gave him everything. I don't want him to say I am making it hard for him.  Although that's what I hear he says.  It's my fault... my friend said he likes to play the victim and get sympathy.  How could I have loved him?

 

October...

Since he crashed my beautiful bike he has come back twice to pay me $200.  The first time I cried so hard, he told me he made up his mind and he was leaving.  "I don't want you anymore."  After he said that I explained to come to the bedroom.  He did.  We lied there, me in his arms and on his chest.  As I cried I told him, "This is home. Not this house, not this room, not this bed...here in your arms, this is home.  I love you." He told me he had to go get a haircut.

As he left that day I had to let go...bold face "I don't want you" I don't have to worry about calling, text, or thinking about.  I never knew him.  

Everyday is filled with 2xdays at the gym.  I've lost 16lbs. in 3 weeks.  My appetite does not exist, I live on shakes, cliff bars, and water.  Occasional tuna and cottage cheese when I am starving.  I don't know what to do...

I am trying to move on.

Oooo my head...

Saturday I felt pretty shitty.  I locked myself in my room and I never felt my energy level so low.  At about 6 o'clock I figured I had enough, I called Selina to see if I could tag along that night.  I called, she didn't answer so I left a message.  I figured I would get ready and wait for her to call back.  She didn't, I guess it was my fault because at 3 o'clock I told her I wasn't going anywhere.  

All dressed up and no where to go:(  I called Sara and decided to visit her.  When I got there she was sitting on Punky's porch.  Sara pulled out a HUGE bottle of Belveder.  The night started slow I got some thai food... Then everyone got together and the vodka started to flow. 

We talked about him leaving and everyone agreed I could do much better.  We talked about other personal relationships, it turned into a men vs. women thing lol. but everyone had a blast.  

I was sooo glad I decided to take the weekend off because I had such a horrible hangover Sunday!

I'm so tired of it already

I haven't blogged much this week.  Mostly because I had to get over the drama from Wednesday.  My estranged husband wrecked my bike before he decided he was unhappy and left me.  Part of our arrangement was that he repay me for the damage.  He came over Wednesday to pay me part of the cash.  

When I saw him I felt hurt and angry.  I asked him to delete his account from my computer, we talked a bit, he acted like everything was fine.  At that point I wanted to know why he left.  He said "I'm not happy here and your not going to change my mind." Ouch! I wasn't trying to, I just wanted some questions answered.  He said he has been going out to bars and meeting people, I should do the same.  I told him that my life was being a wife to him and making him happy.  That's when he said it; "I don't want you anymore."

I cried. Hard.  He said he was sorry and left.  I am broken.  I cried for 2 hours after that.  A steady continuous  flow of tears and snot.  Then it became clear.  It is over for good.  He couldn't have been more exact.  I need to get through this.

Break down in the diner

This morning started off well.  I woke up early and took the dog for a walk.  I knew I was going to the gym so I headed off ready to work it out!  I met Isis and we started our daily 1 mile run.  We usually talk about things when we run.  I confessed I called him after a week of him not calling me.  I had to ask why after four years he can't pick up a phone and ask me if I am okay!  He said he didn't want to cause anymore pain than he already did.  I told him I just needed to vent, "did you find someone else to occupy your time?" No.  "I mean, we're already separated, why lie now?"  His answer was still the same.  I didn't flip out, lose it, or curse him out.  I just vented.  He said he was sorry.  Yes, he is.  He brought up the fact that he owes me money for dumping my Honda CBR600RR.  He would pay me "everything I deserve."  I feel I deserve an honest husband.

After running I felt better.  We continued on to a crazy full body circuit consisting of legs, core, and arms we did that twice before I had nothing left.  We decided we would come back at 2pm to get out "2-a-day" in.  We both agreed some bag work is what we needed.  I guess that's a perk of being unemployed.

So as we cooled down, we decided that it would be good to feed.  Seeing as I don't have much of an appetite after being hung out to dry. I just FEED, not eat.

We ordered a chicken wrap with a side of fruit to share.  She wouldn't let me "have a party" by ordering a side of fries.  Then she smiled at a toddler sitting with his family behind us.  The mother was holding a new born, and the toddler's father made a napkin hat for him.  He received a call.  "Yes, we'll see you after we go home to clean up the house a little."  Then I thought about that man.  He helped his wife clean, was feeding the toddler, and seemed happy.  I started to tear up.  Isis noticed and came over to hug me.  "Don't worry.  You're not going to be alone."  I cried.  Excused myself, went to the bathroom and tried to get it together.  When I sat back down at the table she asked what happened?  "That's everything I wanted." 

The chicken wrap was served and for the first time I realized just how hungry I was.

Hand wraps and heartbreak

For the past couple of nights I haven't been able to sleep through the night.  I get up every hour on the hour and turn, feel around in the spot next to me and find nothing.  Then I feel nothing inside.  It hasn't been easy to sleep alone after 4 years of being together.  But at the same time he hasn't called in a week to ask if I was alright.  Maybe because he know what the answer will be.

I talked to Nick this morning.  He woke me up at a quarter to ten.  "How are you feeling?"  The words couldn't come to mind right away. But I managed to tell him.  "you know," I said "He will never be the man I want him to be, and a husband is more than a warm body in the bed..." I started to cry. I think I made Nick get a little misty too.

I've been getting through this separation by going to the gym.  I run, I jump rope and then I put on my gloves and I box.  I have been playing in the gym since I was 19.  Training from fall to spring, then I didn't want to go any further because I didn't want to fight in the Golden Gloves.  I've had many excuses not to keep training, 100% of the time it was boyfriend/husband...  I'm tired of putting myself in second place when "I coulda been a contenda."  I am on my way to the gym now.  I have noticed that it is very therapeutic to hit the bags. But I have to remember to always be a lover and not only a fighter.  I don't want to end up a bitter, old, crazy cat lady... XOXO